Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
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Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?