Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
True
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
first you must answer his riddles
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?