What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
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Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Tell me you get it…🤣
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.