isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
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i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.