Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
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They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Me sliding into hell like
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
gm
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.