Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
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How is it still this week?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia