…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”