Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
You Might Also Like
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.