Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
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I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
How to wake up a Beagle
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”