For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
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Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Support your local cemetery
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Cause of death: Zumba
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.