Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
This is so me 😂😂
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Care for your back
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?