“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Thrilling chase underway
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦