Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
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When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.