[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
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My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
The booster protects against what, now?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.