ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
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If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.