got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
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i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Social Media and Real life
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”