If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.