My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
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A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”