“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.