Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into