Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
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While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room