i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
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Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.