I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
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Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I need a headline like this
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
constantly working on myself.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
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My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.