If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.