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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.