My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
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You had me at “define legal”.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”