boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
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My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me