“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!