ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
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I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.