Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
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Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over