My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
You Might Also Like
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
i love modern commerce
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.