I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.