Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
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Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
This came to me in a dream.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
my name is luke but my friends dont call me