I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
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Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”