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Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together