Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
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Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I falcon love using swear birds
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan