Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
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The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…