[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
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Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her