The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉