Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
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Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5