Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
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Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My background check bounced.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever