“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
My circle of trust is a meatball
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
wow
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.