I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
You Might Also Like
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.