[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
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If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Looking at you, Jesus.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
welcome back
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My first child will be named New Folder.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol