Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
ready to be harvested
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I need better friends
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly