Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.