the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
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God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
United Steaks of America
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.