Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
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Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.