*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
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When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it