I identify as an antique shop.
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ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
my favorite genre of twitter
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.